Purpose and Reason

I recently had a conversation with a friend about two very heavy and mentally taxing subjects in my life lately: purpose and reason.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Up until I became a wife and mother, my purpose and reason in life was inherently and completely selfish.  My reasons were driven by my own sense of urgency and my purpose was clearly outlined by the mental parameters I had paved for myself and myself alone.

Decisions were made on the fly without much consideration aside from, "Is this something I want to do?"
"Yes."
Good enough for me!
Done.

But then they came.

Chad & Bennett.

Seriously, thank God for them.

Bennett, your existence alone has shaped and transformed so many aspects of my life, it's almost impossible to keep track.  You've taught me to slow down, and soak in every hour, minute and second of every day.

To notice things.
Little things.

Like the tiny muscles in your back or how you ask, "What's this?" to almost everything you notice.

Your tiny self is just exploding with wonder and you alone child, fill me up with absolute reason and purpose, I too, could nearly explode.  I'll always be here, with my purpose...to shape you and encourage you.  To lift you up and feed your soul.  To constantly care, give and never ever stop my love.

You are it.
My Purpose

Chad,
There are so many reasons as to why you are just that, my reason.  The word in itself describes you in all respects.

Sound judgment.
Good sense

I think it's awfully safe to say that finding, pursuing and marrying you was the best display of good sense and sound judgement I could have ever made.

I still struggle daily, trying to filter out my own selfish forms of purpose and reason, knowing my actions, wants and needs effect something much greater and larger than myself now.  I'm constantly questioning what my role in this world could, should, and would be, but really it is very simple.

It's Them.
Always will be.

Little Boy Person

A boy's story is the best that is ever told.
-- Charles Dickens

 

I crave the weekends.

 
No urgency of alarm clocks
Sleeping in
Little feet pitter pattering down the hall
Morning snuggles
Footy pajamas
Coffee and cartoons
Cooking breakfast
Messes…yes, I said it
Afternoon walks
Goldfish crackers
Kick ball out front
3 hour naps
Whiskey gingers

Movies as background noise

Baths…ahh baths!

 

But most importantly…the nothing.

…ahh nothing – it’s sacred to me.

Lately we’ve been doing a lot of nothing, something my tired head and heart needs from time to time.

Sometimes, although it may not be favored, I need to shut off and recharge my mommy batteries with my husband and son.

It’s necessary.

So necessary.

Big News for the Big Boy

 

It goes without saying that, as of late, I've fallen off the radar from blogging.  Truth be told, this little human I call my son has been getting nothing short of all of our attention lately...and honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.



 

Bennett has reached a stage that is, well, to be quite frank...incredible.  He's truly a little person that walks, talks, feels and just outright LIVES.

The other day was a big day for us.  Well, mostly for Bennett, but there was a moment that Chad and I stood rather still and just soaked in the fact that we do not have a baby anymore, but rather an adventurous, mature, incredibly sweet and equally funny little boy.

We took down Bennett's baby crib, only to replaced with his very own big boy bed. It was almost sad, looking at his tiny self sleeping like a grown up.  Bennett did amazing and slept like such a professional.  It was so incredibly sweet to hear his little feet pitter pattering down the hall when he woke up in the morning.  He ran into our room so utterly confused, yet proud of himself shouting "Mama! Dada!".

My heart soared.

I now crave to hear those little feet in the morning.

...the best alarm clock around if you ask me.



Bennett my sweet boy, I could go on for hours and days about how much you have changed our lives.  I now understand the meaning of unconditonal love and never ever want to forget it.  You've taught me more about myself in 18 months than I had ever come to learn on my own.  I know I'm impatient and I know I am quick to react, but you love me in spite of that and constantly behoove me to become a better Mommy.

Two nights ago, when I was laying with you in your new bed, your tiny heart almost brought me to tears.  We were just finishing up reading the Lion King when you started to rub your eyes and let out a big yawn.  You then turned over to me, as I was pretending to be asleep, and softly whispered, "Mama?"  I of course, didn't respond, trying to get you to go to sleep, when all of a sudden I felt your tiny lips kiss me on the cheek, pat my face, then turned over and went to sleep.

...Seriously Bennett???

I'm so lucky.
Daddy and I are so lucky.
We all truly are SO lucky to have each other.

I love you my little no pants boy.
Always will.

xoxo,
Mommy

Captured

 

"No matter where I am, I'm always loving you."

- Francesca Lia Block

 

 

My very dear friend Sayoko blessed us with her presence and talent on a wet, rainy weekend.  We snuggled on blankets, played in orange groves, and captured some timeless moments of my little family.

 

Sometimes I stop myself, look around, and just gasp at the fact that this is my life.  That I'm so lucky to have my Chaddy and my Benny. 

So very very lucky.

 

Sayoko my dear, thank you so much for this magic. 

It truly is a gift. 

 

Being Intentional

I've learned a big fat lesson after I became a mom and to this day, I struggle constantly on trying to keep myself intentional.

Intentional you ask???...let me explain.

Chad and I both had an epiphany recently as we sat in church listening to a sermon about happiness.

Where does it stem from? 
How do you distinguish it? 
Are we really truly happy?

Studies have shown that when we obtain or acquire something that makes us “happy”…our happiness levels only jump up 10%...that’s it…only 10%.  That new gadget we want, or those jeans…do they REALLY make you happy?

Well the answer is…yes. 

However, in the grand scheme of this journey we call life, that happiness is so minimal no wonder we are never satisfied and always seeking MORE.  I myself fall victim to false happiness daily…always claiming if I work out more or harder, I’ll be happy with myself.   No wonder I am covered in bruises and have a shoulder that I’m just about to rip off.

Seriously…no wonder.

Saying it just seems so absurd, but unfortunately its reality.

We base our happiness on THINGS and STUFF…all the time.

Anyway, we learned that pure, unadulterated happiness comes from actions, feelings, and occurrences that no OBJECT can ever fabricate...such as giving, sharing, and being connected and intentional with others.

There it is, that haunting word…intentional.

Chad will be the first to tell you that I complain on a daily basis that I NEVER see my friends.  And well, to be quite frank…I don’t.  Let’s face it, life takes over and sometimes months go by before you realize you’ve become disconnected from the lives of those you care about most.

…happens to me all the time and I always need to remind myself to have the intention of reaching out.  To not let life take over but rather take control, be intentional, and keep strong connections with those that lift me up.

 

My best friend Sarah recently got engaged and I won't melt you to a pile of tears with the amazing proposal, but I couldn't help become so moved by the whole experience of watching someone's happiness unfold in such a deserving and selfless manner.  I sat there wondering why I was so moved by this...not that it was anything short of moving, but in a layer much deeper than that, I was wholeheartedly, without question, incredibly happy for her.  As if her happiness was my happiness if that makes any sense...

 

Then, it occurred to me...the connection and intention that i have with this one person, my best friend, is what substantiates such a feeling.  If i remember correctly, she cried too when I got engaged but never did i ever think twice about it until now.

 

 

The same goes with my two everythings, Chad and Bennett.  Their happiness is my happiness.  They don't care how much I workout or how clean I can keep the house...they care about our relationships and the connections we have.  Like when Chad is sick and I know to love him from a distance because really that is the only time this man is truly grumpy.  Or when Bennett is sleepy and needs his mommy and no one else.  I can't explain it...i just know.  Its our connection and its an amazing one at that.

 

Such feelings should not go unnoticed.  Such feelings could and should be felt by all.  They are like magic.  Behooving life in the deflated and a rush of joy to the defeated.

 

I crave for such feelings...and I truly thank those that share them with me. 

 

 

 

Happy Halloween

Halloween is and has always been, without a doubt, my absolute favorite holiday.  Chad always laughs at me because anytime the word Halloween comes up, I can’t help but throw in “I love Halloween! It’s my favorite holiday!”

 

 

Ever since I was a kid, I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t get enough of it.

 

However, the wind was taken from my Halloween sails when Chad told me that he’d have to go out of town for a conference.  We both were so incredibly bummed since this Halloween we’d actually get to do things with Bennett.  Last year the little guy was a mere three month lump of a baby who threw up on his costume within 5 minutes of putting it on.

 

…not so fun.

 

But this year, we were so excited.  We ordered Benny’s costume early.  We scoped out what neighborhood wanted to take him around.  We were ready!

 

…but such is life.

 

As much as we missed having Daddy around on Halloween, I think it is safe to say Bennett had a blast…aside from his 15 month checkup shots that I strategically placed in the morning to be able to excite his spirits afterwards. 

 

After Benny’s checkup where we found out the little monster now weights 24 lbs (40^th percentile – which I still do not believe…I mean, have you SEEN his legs???) and is 31 inches long (39^th percentile – this explains it though!), we headed to my work to do some trick or treating.

 

I took the day off because well, I LOVE HALLOWEEN! 

 

 

 

Hamburger boy sure was a hit and walked around visiting all my co-workers collecting treats and candy.  HE LOVED IT!

 

We then went home and took a much needed nap and rested up for some trick or treating around the neighborhood later that day.  I walked around with Bennett pretty early and didn't really go up to doors but stopped and talked to other moms and neighbors on the way.

 

We came home around 7 just in time to eat some candy, get all sticky and chocolatey, take a nice bath, and go to bed.

 

We sure missed Daddy, but can’t wait til next Halloween to spend it with him!!

Growing.

Bennett,

As your Momma, let me be the first to tell you that watching you grow is without a doubt one of the most marvelous occurrences I’ve ever had the privilege to witness.  You move me in such a way that I’m almost brought to tears.  I stand there, gasping for air and clinching my heart because, truthfully kid, you really do take my breath away.

As of late my love, you’ve just been talking up a storm…shooting out your normal “mama” ”dada” “yes”  and the ever popular “no no no” but lately your vocabulary has seemingly exploded.  You point to an object, concentrate very hard and purse your lips together trying to sound out the word.  Where did you learn this??? 

The other day, I was putting on my shoes and you ran up to me, pointed to my shoe, and started shouting “ SHHH SHH SHHHOOOO”

…you’re so close Benny!...one day you’ll get shoe!

Then yesterday, Daddy had cut you up some grapes, and like your normal self, you inhaled them as if food was something of a rare occurrence in your life.

…please Bennett, look at your legs! 
You’re not fooling anyone.

Any who, we brought your plate into the kitchen and you ran up to Daddy, pushing your fingers together, giving him the baby sign for more.  I looked down at you and said, “Benny do you want more grapes?” and sure enough, clear as day, you looked right up to Daddy and I and said, “Yes, more!”

…we froze.

Did you really just like…speak to us???

Too much, too fast I tell you. 

Weren’t you just my little five pound baby boy that could fit in the crook of my arm?

Bennett, you truly are growing at the speed of light and I only hope I’ve done and continue to do all I can to mold and shape you as you grow into a young man.  You are so sweet and tenderhearted, giving me snuggles when you know I need them most.  You’re so fearless and adventurous, wanting to always test the limits and run free.  You’re so incredibly funny and lets be real, you know it too.  You’ll do something silly and crack a giggle that is almost impossible to no join in on.

Gosh kid, you’re just too much.

Please continue growing into the incredible little man that you are.  Please continue to move me to tears and never ever think they are bad or sad.  Please continue to always be you, my little owl. 

 

I love you so so much.


xoxo,

Mommy

Heartaches.

Ever since Bennett has been born, it goes without saying that I have experienced a kaleidoscope of emotions.  Mostly ones full of happiness and joy – so full of color and life, it’s hard to believe such feelings exist.  Like the kind when your son clings to you with his sleepy limbs, nuzzling his head perfectly in the crook of your neck.  Or when he runs to you – arms outstretched armed with a smile just as wide.

These are the feelings we crave as a parent. 

The intoxicating and addicting nature of being a mother and the ceaseless love you have for your child.

I’ve said so many times that I wish I could be a sponge or filter of some sort…Shielding Bennett from any harm or misfortune that may come his way.  Sadly, day after day, I’ve experienced the depths of reality.  That I’m no human shield.  I cannot stop the fortunes of the unfortunate.  I cannot hinder the aches of heartache.  I just can’t…and I need to be okay with that.  Something I’m slowly trying to come to terms with.

On Saturday, we took a trip.  Our first trip to the ER, that is.

Bennett was running, playing, laughing…all the things he’s so good at, when in almost an instant, that laughing turned to screaming.

I shot up and ran over to him as quickly as I humanly could - only to find a huge baseball size lump forming on his forehead.  Sure enough, Bennett had gone head first into the corner of a nightstand.  My heart sunk into my stomach and I thought I was going to flip out.  Actually I was.  Thank goodness for Chad and his calm self…I would have cried harder than Bennett if it weren’t for him.

We quickly gathered our things and headed to the ER.

Bennett was checked out and the poor thing was just so upset and unhappy.  I think he cried for an hour straight…literally.  We finally asked if we could walk around and try to calm him down and thankfully it helped. 

Chad pushed Benny around in a wheelchair, pretending to race and speed around.  Thankfully the little guy was smiling and laughing and such a trooper with the huge welt on his head that we were finally able to go home after a few hours.

In the grand scheme of things, every heartache I’ve experienced as a mother has thankfully been a small lesson learned.  I can’t imagine what it would be like to deal with something worse.  How do you watch someone you love so dearly suffer???  I just can’t even imagine.

Since Saturday, I’ve seemingly been in a funk.  The funk of feeling like a failure as a mother – as much as I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent this occurrence.  It just is heartbreaking watching it replay over and over again in your head.

…man, when does this Mom stuff get easier?

This little guy sure makes it worth it though.

 

 

Love you my little swollen noggin boy!

Please be careful my son, for mommy can only shield you from so much. 

 

 

Patience, please...

We have this joke in the Anaya house, a joke that is more the truth than a joke...but I think for sanity purposes, we refer to it as a joke.

Among the disastrous tornado of toys, the crackers and cookies ground into the carpet, the ripped up magazines and mail all over the floor...Chad and I will pour an adult beverage while looking at Bennett filling our glasses to the brim, sighing, "Look what you make us do!"

Parenting a toddler is SERIOUS work.  I mentioned to Chad yesterday that it's almost impossible to ever let your guard down and to always expect the worst.  

Exhibit A:

While putting dishes away, I glanced over at Benny to make sure all was well with him.  He was playing nicely with his car, pushing himself back and forth across the living room.  Reassured, I began cleaning and just kept my ears directed towards Bennett just in case he felt like getting crazy.

Moments later, I noticed it was quiet...too quiet of you ask me.

I poked my head around the corner to witness...

Ugh...he's seriously CRAZY!

But as much as Bennett is beginning to embrace toddler-hood and all the wonder and fearlessness that comes along with it, Chad and I can't help but absolutely adore how incredibly fun and funny our little 14 month old is.

Bennett, I mentioned you are smart...like SCARY smart.
...too smart for your own good.

You watch your father and I do things, and effortlessly repeat them directly afterwards.

Exhibit B:

As you know mommy is CRAZY about working out.  Well after having a rough day at the gym, I came home and practiced my overhead squat form with a plastic pipe.  You laughed and smiled the whole time watching me, thinking it was a fun game or something.

Shortly after I was done, you ran right over to the pipe, threw it over your head and sure enough, started practicing YOUR overhead squats.

I die kid...seriously!

Your personality is so intoxicating Bennett, its just absolutely astonishing.  I find myself struggling to get mad or discipline you because you are just so incredibly silly...just like your Father.

Last week was picture day at your nursery school, and all week we were practicing to smile on cue.  You embraced the on cue part, but the smile part was pretty hilarious!  Every time we'd say "Bennett smile!" or "Say cheese!" - you'd squint your eyes, purse your lips together, and just look outright WEIRD!

Exhibit C:

The amazing part of your life lately Bennett, is just how much you TOTALLY understand everything.  I ask you to do something and you do it...well, most of the time.  

"Bennett, can you put this in your hamper?"...and you do.  

"Bennett, come here!"...and you do.

"Bennett, are you all done?"...shakes head yes.

"Bennett, don't do that!"...well, were still working on this one.

You really are a kid now...something I for so long had been digging my heals into the ground trying to stop.  But lately my son, I've adored your maturity.  I'm embracing your wisdom and wonder and letting your personality shine through the way it was intended to.

You've always been so bright and beaming...lighting up our life like the fourth of July.  So colorful and vibrant that its almost impossible not to become entranced.  Your spirit is like magic, my son...filling my soul with childlike happiness and amazement.

You truly are a grown-up trapped in a toddler's body...I'm SURE of it!

Bennett, please continue to teach me.
For so long, I was certain it was supposed to be the other way around...but now, I'm embracing your ability to instruct or more so, behoove me to practice patience.  

...to grow as a mother and a wife and to show me what really matters and help filter out what doesn't.

You are so wise my little grandpa boy and I thank you for it.

xoxo,

Mommy

Playing Catch Up...(Literally)

Last weekend Chaddy and I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary.  Benny stayed with my parents for a night so we could have a date night then some fun during the day.

It was funny because when all was said and done and Bennett was back home, my mom and dad told us that with just one night of having Benny...THEY WERE TOAST!

It's true...this kid just NEVER stops!

Unless he's sleeping...he's running, jumping, climbing, playing...you name it, he's doing it!

We're so crazy lately trying to keep up with Benny, I thought some photos of the crazy little man will speak for themselves:

Chilled with the baby's cousin Presley.

Smiled at photos of Mammie and B-Ba...even though I'm at their house.

Flashed some chompers.

Learned to climb up on the couch...SO DANGEROUS!!!!

Watched Toy Story and snuggled with the baby's Cousin.

Learned to operate Mommy's IPhone camera.

Wore my Zac Hanson shirt...YES!!!

Had a sleepover with B-Ba...also showed him who is remote control boss!

"Darling, your love is healing
It makes the bitter sweet
Warms the winter to spring again
Secures the cold's defeat"

-- Brooke Fraser

I've been having a hard time being away from Bennett lately. 
I can't tell you why, nor do I feel like I need any sort of justification for such emotion. 
I'm his Momma and I loathe being gone…simply put.

It could be his age, and how he's so exuberant and fearless.
It could be his smile, which is hard not to go weak in the knees when it’s so effortlessly flashed.
It could be his spirit…that intoxicating joy bursting out.

It could be anything.
Well actually…it’s everything.

He is everything.

My little baby is quickly becoming a little boy. 
His wonder is amazing and his intuition is just as incredible. 
I wish there were words convey the feeling of watching your child grow up. 
Astonishing.
Heart-wrenching.
Joyous.
...I could go on for days.

Benny my son, even your once chubby, stubby baby legs are now thinning out to be replaced by much longer, leaner (slightly) little boy legs.

...the little things are truly getting to me lately.

Gosh, kid...you are our world.

We love you little owl.

xoxo,

Mommy