I recently had a conversation with a friend about two very heavy and mentally taxing subjects in my life lately: purpose and reason.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
Up until I became a wife and mother, my purpose and reason in life was inherently and completely selfish. My reasons were driven by my own sense of urgency and my purpose was clearly outlined by the mental parameters I had paved for myself and myself alone.
Decisions were made on the fly without much consideration aside from, "Is this something I want to do?"
Good enough for me!
But then they came.
Chad & Bennett.
Seriously, thank God for them.
Bennett, your existence alone has shaped and transformed so many aspects of my life, it's almost impossible to keep track. You've taught me to slow down, and soak in every hour, minute and second of every day.
To notice things.
Like the tiny muscles in your back or how you ask, "What's this?" to almost everything you notice.
Your tiny self is just exploding with wonder and you alone child, fill me up with absolute reason and purpose, I too, could nearly explode. I'll always be here, with my purpose...to shape you and encourage you. To lift you up and feed your soul. To constantly care, give and never ever stop my love.
You are it.
There are so many reasons as to why you are just that, my reason. The word in itself describes you in all respects.
I think it's awfully safe to say that finding, pursuing and marrying you was the best display of good sense and sound judgement I could have ever made.
I still struggle daily, trying to filter out my own selfish forms of purpose and reason, knowing my actions, wants and needs effect something much greater and larger than myself now. I'm constantly questioning what my role in this world could, should, and would be, but really it is very simple.
Always will be.
Monday, February 4, 2013
A boy's story is the best that is ever told.
-- Charles Dickens
-- Charles Dickens
I crave the weekends.
No urgency of alarm clocks
Little feet pitter pattering down the hall
Coffee and cartoons
Messes…yes, I said it
Kick ball out front
3 hour naps
Movies as background noise
But most importantly…the nothing.
…ahh nothing – it’s sacred to me.
Lately we’ve been doing a lot of nothing, something my tired head and heart needs from time to time.
Sometimes, although it may not be favored, I need to shut off and recharge my mommy batteries with my husband and son.
Monday, January 7, 2013
It goes without saying that, as of late, I've fallen off the radar from blogging. Truth be told, this little human I call my son has been getting nothing short of all of our attention lately...and honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Bennett has reached a stage that is, well, to be quite frank...incredible. He's truly a little person that walks, talks, feels and just outright LIVES.
The other day was a big day for us. Well, mostly for Bennett, but there was a moment that Chad and I stood rather still and just soaked in the fact that we do not have a baby anymore, but rather an adventurous, mature, incredibly sweet and equally funny little boy.
We took down Bennett's baby crib, only to replaced with his very own big boy bed. It was almost sad, looking at his tiny self sleeping like a grown up. Bennett did amazing and slept like such a professional. It was so incredibly sweet to hear his little feet pitter pattering down the hall when he woke up in the morning. He ran into our room so utterly confused, yet proud of himself shouting "Mama! Dada!".
My heart soared.
I now crave to hear those little feet in the morning.
...the best alarm clock around if you ask me.
Bennett my sweet boy, I could go on for hours and days about how much you have changed our lives. I now understand the meaning of unconditonal love and never ever want to forget it. You've taught me more about myself in 18 months than I had ever come to learn on my own. I know I'm impatient and I know I am quick to react, but you love me in spite of that and constantly behoove me to become a better Mommy.
Two nights ago, when I was laying with you in your new bed, your tiny heart almost brought me to tears. We were just finishing up reading the Lion King when you started to rub your eyes and let out a big yawn. You then turned over to me, as I was pretending to be asleep, and softly whispered, "Mama?" I of course, didn't respond, trying to get you to go to sleep, when all of a sudden I felt your tiny lips kiss me on the cheek, pat my face, then turned over and went to sleep.
I'm so lucky.
Daddy and I are so lucky.
We all truly are SO lucky to have each other.
I love you my little no pants boy.
Monday, December 3, 2012
"No matter where I am, I'm always loving you."
- Francesca Lia Block
My very dear friend Sayoko blessed us with her presence and talent on a wet, rainy weekend. We snuggled on blankets, played in orange groves, and captured some timeless moments of my little family.
Sometimes I stop myself, look around, and just gasp at the fact that this is my life. That I'm so lucky to have my Chaddy and my Benny.
So very very lucky.
Sayoko my dear, thank you so much for this magic.
It truly is a gift.
Monday, November 12, 2012
I've learned a big fat lesson after I became a mom and to this day, I struggle constantly on trying to keep myself intentional.
Intentional you ask???...let me explain.
Chad and I both had an epiphany recently as we sat in church listening to a sermon about happiness.
Where does it stem from?
How do you distinguish it?
Are we really truly happy?
Studies have shown that when we obtain or acquire something that makes us “happy”…our happiness levels only jump up 10%...that’s it…only 10%. That new gadget we want, or those jeans…do they REALLY make you happy?
Well the answer is…yes.
However, in the grand scheme of this journey we call life, that happiness is so minimal no wonder we are never satisfied and always seeking MORE. I myself fall victim to false happiness daily…always claiming if I work out more or harder, I’ll be happy with myself. No wonder I am covered in bruises and have a shoulder that I’m just about to rip off.
Saying it just seems so absurd, but unfortunately its reality.
We base our happiness on THINGS and STUFF…all the time.
Anyway, we learned that pure, unadulterated happiness comes from actions, feelings, and occurrences that no OBJECT can ever fabricate...such as giving, sharing, and being connected and intentional with others.
There it is, that haunting word…intentional.
Chad will be the first to tell you that I complain on a daily basis that I NEVER see my friends. And well, to be quite frank…I don’t. Let’s face it, life takes over and sometimes months go by before you realize you’ve become disconnected from the lives of those you care about most.
…happens to me all the time and I always need to remind myself to have the intention of reaching out. To not let life take over but rather take control, be intentional, and keep strong connections with those that lift me up.
My best friend Sarah recently got engaged and I won't melt you to a pile of tears with the amazing proposal, but I couldn't help become so moved by the whole experience of watching someone's happiness unfold in such a deserving and selfless manner. I sat there wondering why I was so moved by this...not that it was anything short of moving, but in a layer much deeper than that, I was wholeheartedly, without question, incredibly happy for her. As if her happiness was my happiness if that makes any sense...
Then, it occurred to me...the connection and intention that i have with this one person, my best friend, is what substantiates such a feeling. If i remember correctly, she cried too when I got engaged but never did i ever think twice about it until now.
The same goes with my two everythings, Chad and Bennett. Their happiness is my happiness. They don't care how much I workout or how clean I can keep the house...they care about our relationships and the connections we have. Like when Chad is sick and I know to love him from a distance because really that is the only time this man is truly grumpy. Or when Bennett is sleepy and needs his mommy and no one else. I can't explain it...i just know. Its our connection and its an amazing one at that.
Such feelings should not go unnoticed. Such feelings could and should be felt by all. They are like magic. Behooving life in the deflated and a rush of joy to the defeated.
I crave for such feelings...and I truly thank those that share them with me.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Halloween is and has always been, without a doubt, my absolute favorite holiday. Chad always laughs at me because anytime the word Halloween comes up, I can’t help but throw in “I love Halloween! It’s my favorite holiday!”
Ever since I was a kid, I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t get enough of it.
However, the wind was taken from my Halloween sails when Chad told me that he’d have to go out of town for a conference. We both were so incredibly bummed since this Halloween we’d actually get to do things with Bennett. Last year the little guy was a mere three month lump of a baby who threw up on his costume within 5 minutes of putting it on.
…not so fun.
But this year, we were so excited. We ordered Benny’s costume early. We scoped out what neighborhood wanted to take him around. We were ready!
…but such is life.
As much as we missed having Daddy around on Halloween, I think it is safe to say Bennett had a blast…aside from his 15 month checkup shots that I strategically placed in the morning to be able to excite his spirits afterwards.
After Benny’s checkup where we found out the little monster now weights 24 lbs (40th percentile – which I still do not believe…I mean, have you SEEN his legs???) and is 31 inches long (39th percentile – this explains it though!), we headed to my work to do some trick or treating.
I took the day off because well, I LOVE HALLOWEEN!
Hamburger boy sure was a hit and walked around visiting all my co-workers collecting treats and candy. HE LOVED IT!
We then went home and took a much needed nap and rested up for some trick or treating around the neighborhood later that day. I walked around with Bennett pretty early and didn't really go up to doors but stopped and talked to other moms and neighbors on the way.
We came home around 7 just in time to eat some candy, get all sticky and chocolatey, take a nice bath, and go to bed.
We sure missed Daddy, but can’t wait til next Halloween to spend it with him!!
Monday, October 29, 2012
As your Momma, let me be the first to tell you that watching you grow is without a doubt one of the most marvelous occurrences I’ve ever had the privilege to witness. You move me in such a way that I’m almost brought to tears. I stand there, gasping for air and clinching my heart because, truthfully kid, you really do take my breath away.
As of late my love, you’ve just been talking up a storm…shooting out your normal “mama” ”dada” “yes” and the ever popular “no no no” but lately your vocabulary has seemingly exploded. You point to an object, concentrate very hard and purse your lips together trying to sound out the word. Where did you learn this???
The other day, I was putting on my shoes and you ran up to me, pointed to my shoe, and started shouting “ SHHH SHH SHHHOOOO”
…you’re so close Benny!...one day you’ll get shoe!
Then yesterday, Daddy had cut you up some grapes, and like your normal self, you inhaled them as if food was something of a rare occurrence in your life.
…please Bennett, look at your legs!
You’re not fooling anyone.
Any who, we brought your plate into the kitchen and you ran up to Daddy, pushing your fingers together, giving him the baby sign for more. I looked down at you and said, “Benny do you want more grapes?” and sure enough, clear as day, you looked right up to Daddy and I and said, “Yes, more!”
Did you really just like…speak to us???
Too much, too fast I tell you.
Weren’t you just my little five pound baby boy that could fit in the crook of my arm?
Bennett, you truly are growing at the speed of light and I only hope I’ve done and continue to do all I can to mold and shape you as you grow into a young man. You are so sweet and tenderhearted, giving me snuggles when you know I need them most. You’re so fearless and adventurous, wanting to always test the limits and run free. You’re so incredibly funny and lets be real, you know it too. You’ll do something silly and crack a giggle that is almost impossible to no join in on.
Gosh kid, you’re just too much.
Please continue growing into the incredible little man that you are. Please continue to move me to tears and never ever think they are bad or sad. Please continue to always be you, my little owl.
I love you so so much.