Blessed...

I admit it...I have this problem.  Well, I'm not sure if its a problem but more of a personality trait...scratch that. Yes, it is a problem.

You see, I've always been (and there's no nicer or easier way to phrase it) a control freak.  I live in a world, the world according to Catie, where organization and uniformity take precedence over chaos and the unfamiliar.  Want to know how to metaphorically rock a control freak's world?...have a baby.

On July 13, 2011 my world, my life, my everything was changed.  I gave birth to the most amazing little man Bennett. Here's his story:

I'm not going to gloat that my pregnancy was easy, but I do consider myself incredibly lucky. Never once did I get sick or lose my dinner - That would have just been so unfortunate considering how much I love food.  Anyways, I digress.

"You're soooooo tiny," would be the best way to describe it I suppose.  One would think that being called tiny while pregnant is what every woman would hope for.  True, but not in my case.  I quickly learned that while pregnant, my little peanut was having some issues with growing - which was odd because I didn't seem to have any problem getting bigger and bigger.  Every check up was like a broken record.  "You're still measuring small."

When I became 20 weeks pregnant, we began seeing a growth specialist which basically was a doctor with a fancy schmancy ultrasound that could determine if everything was okay with my little man - and thankfully he always checked out fine.  He's just going to be small was all they would repeat over and over again.  I could handle small...no big deal.  Then, soon after we also learned our little guy had become breeched and made his situation even worse.   

Thanks kid.

Every doctor visit after that became more and more stressful...my baby had put himself into a position so awkward that not only was there no hope in turning him, he also wasn't getting enough nutrients to grow since his stomach was so confined.  Bennett was deemed frank breech, as in quite frankly, he's not moving. 

...quite frankly, he needed to come out.

When I hit 37 weeks, we made our usual trip to the growth specialist who threw us the biggest curve ball yet.  "You're baby is coming out today."  I remember it like it was yesterday, and my OB did warn us that this was probably going to be the circumstance, but I just didn't realized that they would actually just take him out at the drop of a hat.  We were told to head straight to the hospital, which we did.  My heart raced the whole way there and I remember calling my mom and sister telling them to let everyone know because I was going to turn my phone off.  I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the mass amounts of phone calls and texts (my husband and I both come from incredibly large families), I mean I could barely keep my hands from shaking as I hung up with my mom.

We got to the hospital and were told that around 1:00 pm we'd be having our baby. 

It was 11:00 am.  

What?!? 2 hours?  That's it.?!?!  

I know it may seem like two hours is quite a bit of time to collect your thoughts and gain composure...pshhh, hardly.  We checked in, met our nurse, changed into gowns and scrubs and before we knew it I was being walked into the operating room.  My mom and sister had just made it to give me hugs before I was taken in.  Thank God for that.

My c-section was such an unreal experience.  I don't think anyone can prepare you for having a baby, no matter how it takes place.  I remember walking in feeling like I was in a movie or something.  The operating room was so big and so bright.  It was pristine white, almost blinding, and all the nurses and doctors were scurrying around like a well oiled machine.  

Was this really happening??  

I was given my spinal and quickly lost all sensation from my neck down to my little toes.  It felt like my whole body had gone to sleep.  The sensation of tiny little tingles all down my limbs.  My head was spinning.  It was all happening so fast.  I remember the anesthesiologist asking me what pandora station I wanted to listen to.

It made me laugh.  

"I don't care..." I said with a smile as tears began to creep out of my eyes.  He was so sweet and blotted them away for me.  

"Colbie Caillat??" he asked.

"Sure..." I said as I soaked in the last moments of unmotherhood if that's even a word.  Whatever, you get me.  

Chad came in shortly after and the operation began.  He thought it was literally the coolest thing.  He watched the whole time.  Surgery is an art, according to him - which is fine, but he really didn't need to inform me that my insides were now on the outside...but he did.  Bless his sweet heart.

I remember the doctor giving me a two minute warning, and what seemed like seconds later they pulled Bennett out.  Two minutes...yea right!

He was perfect.  Little, but perfect.

They quickly checked his breathing, being three weeks early and all, but quickly learned that our little guy was such a champ and was totally fine breathing and crying on his own. 

Thank Jesus.

Its still unreal to think that all happened a mere 3 months ago because it really does feel like yesterday.  People always tell you that after you have a baby, you won't be able to remember your life without them - which is true, yes.  But for me, I absolutely remember my life before Bennett.  So controlled and structured.  So neat and clean.  So selfish really.  But I don't miss it at all.

Bennett has blessed our lives in a way that is almost unexplainable.  He has taught us the true definition of selfless love and also strengthened us as both parents and a family.  Our life today isn't perfect.  It isn't controlled.  It isn't remotely structured.  It's messy and chaotic.  Its hard and ever-changing...but so incredibly beautiful.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

...and a big thank you to God Momma Liz and Rich for capturing Bennett's first day.  It truly is such a special gift to be able to remember the little moments we had with him...they really are so easy to forget!

xo,

Catie