Heartaches.

Ever since Bennett has been born, it goes without saying that I have experienced a kaleidoscope of emotions.  Mostly ones full of happiness and joy – so full of color and life, it’s hard to believe such feelings exist.  Like the kind when your son clings to you with his sleepy limbs, nuzzling his head perfectly in the crook of your neck.  Or when he runs to you – arms outstretched armed with a smile just as wide.

These are the feelings we crave as a parent. 

The intoxicating and addicting nature of being a mother and the ceaseless love you have for your child.

I’ve said so many times that I wish I could be a sponge or filter of some sort…Shielding Bennett from any harm or misfortune that may come his way.  Sadly, day after day, I’ve experienced the depths of reality.  That I’m no human shield.  I cannot stop the fortunes of the unfortunate.  I cannot hinder the aches of heartache.  I just can’t…and I need to be okay with that.  Something I’m slowly trying to come to terms with.

On Saturday, we took a trip.  Our first trip to the ER, that is.

Bennett was running, playing, laughing…all the things he’s so good at, when in almost an instant, that laughing turned to screaming.

I shot up and ran over to him as quickly as I humanly could - only to find a huge baseball size lump forming on his forehead.  Sure enough, Bennett had gone head first into the corner of a nightstand.  My heart sunk into my stomach and I thought I was going to flip out.  Actually I was.  Thank goodness for Chad and his calm self…I would have cried harder than Bennett if it weren’t for him.

We quickly gathered our things and headed to the ER.

Bennett was checked out and the poor thing was just so upset and unhappy.  I think he cried for an hour straight…literally.  We finally asked if we could walk around and try to calm him down and thankfully it helped. 

Chad pushed Benny around in a wheelchair, pretending to race and speed around.  Thankfully the little guy was smiling and laughing and such a trooper with the huge welt on his head that we were finally able to go home after a few hours.

In the grand scheme of things, every heartache I’ve experienced as a mother has thankfully been a small lesson learned.  I can’t imagine what it would be like to deal with something worse.  How do you watch someone you love so dearly suffer???  I just can’t even imagine.

Since Saturday, I’ve seemingly been in a funk.  The funk of feeling like a failure as a mother – as much as I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent this occurrence.  It just is heartbreaking watching it replay over and over again in your head.

…man, when does this Mom stuff get easier?

This little guy sure makes it worth it though.

 

 

Love you my little swollen noggin boy!

Please be careful my son, for mommy can only shield you from so much.